This will be an interesting year for me. Life has changed so much, and in some ways so little.
Christmas has always been a special holiday for me. I love to decorate, I love the lights, the music, the food.
I love picking out little things for people that I love.
It has been a long time since i felt the joy of christmas. Mostly its about obligation now. Have to get toys and presents, have to meet the parents expectations, have to suffer in silence as my feelings and needs get ignored for the most part. Tired of the hurt, the battle.
Mostly this year I am just tired. It has been a long year, and I am exhausted beyond exhausted. I am stressed beyond stressed.
All energy is going towards keeping N alive, and functioning. All money is going towards the same ends. I just don’t have what it takes.
N has felt a resurgence of her religion. This year, that will be the guiding force. I know I will miss the trappings of my celebrations, and I am sure the hurts attached to that will remain as well, but since the general theme of Channukah is hope, at least that will be a positive twist on things.
